It's All About The Girls

Second open mic night status: Complete.

It was fun!!! I didn't even bomb, so yahoooooo!!!

Prior to heading up to Billings I was a pretty cool cucumber.  I was thinking to my little self, "Ya know what, self? This isn't so hard... It's just a little open mic night and it is totally no big deal. I am not even a little bit nervous."  I might as well have been wearing a black leather jacket with the collar up, smoking a cigarette, and leaning up against a motorcycle while rebelling against something for no reason, that's how cool I was. 

Then we got to Bones Brewery early.  This gave me an amazing opportunity to stare at the stage while playing the many scenarios in which I could humiliate myself on a constant loop in my brain.  Oh brain, how many times will you betray me this way???

I sat there with my wonderful, supportive, and beautiful friends, getting so nervous I couldn't feel my hands... Have I ever mentioned that when I get really nervous my hands get these weird zinging sensations and kind of go numb? Yeah, it's a really great coping mechanism.  It helps me focus on the fact that I am freaking out so much that I can't feel my hands anymore. It's sort of a zen thing.

Thank God I was the third person onstage because if I had been on any later I might have needed a paper bag to breathe into.

I don't really remember much of being onstage, much like the last open mic... I assume this is also a coping mechanism. Sort of like how amnesia protects your brain from information it can't handle.  My lovely friends told me I did a good job, and even though they have to tell me that because they're my lovely friends, I am choosing to believe it.

I feel like I had a better handle on things this time and my material was better. Also, my outfit was pretty awesome thanks to Gina's sassy black shirt and some super strength spanx. I was absolutely determined not to use my notes and I caved and ended up looking at them...

Oh don't look at me that way! I know! I know! I shouldn't have done it, but I panicked and looked at them.  I'm like a note addict, and even when I don't want to use I do it anyway because I just can't help myself... I need a read of those sweet, sweet notes.  Ug.

Now I didn't mean to keep you waiting... I mean, I'm sure you're all in the throes of suspense just hoping I'll talk about what song I walked out to for this open mic... When I left town I still had no idea what song I would choose, so Gina and I used a very precise and careful selection process to determine the perfect song.  And by that I of course mean we went through our iPods until something struck our fancy.  We landed on the song "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry.  I'm sorry Mom, I know you don't approve, but it's a catchy tune!!!

Do you think they had it? No they most certainly did not.  Okay, that's fine.  I would have tried to pick a different one, but at that point I was too nervous to talk to anyone about anything.  Instead, I just comforted myself with the thought, "It doesn't matter.  What matters is not accidentally passing gas."

I spun the music roulette and would you care to know what song it landed on???

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper.

What the hell!?!  Another song about girls??? I WASN'T EVEN WEARING MY BIRKENSTOCKS!!! Listen, I know I am a girl, but really, that's all we can come up with?!? Plus, how did they know I wanted to have fun??? I could have been there to tear some sh*t up for all they know.

I suppose I shouldn't complain too much.  I mean, I did get the chance to go onstage and attempt to crack wise.  I've gotten to do it twice! My dream come true!  So, regardless of the fact that I apparently come across as some sort of powerhouse of girl-dom worthy only of gender-related music, I had a fabulous time at my second open mic.  I'm so damn lucky!

Oh, and here's a picture of me!

I hope you have a wonderful week my friends, and may the roulettes of your life land exactly where they belong.
  
 

Xylophones and Boob Jokes

 Hi my friends!!! Guess what?!? I'm going to another open mic night this Thursday!!! I'm super excited!!! However, I am also in the midst of a pretty wicked fear spiral which I will most likely remain in for the foreseeable  future.  Just picture me swirling in a giant fear drain screaming, "heeeeeeelllllppppp!!!" 

I made the colossal mistake over the weekend of re-watching my video from the last open mic and I am now totally freaking out... Did I make a giant pink ass out of myself last time??? I just don't know anymore.  I am questioning everything from my choice of outfit to my hideous giggly voice.  Ug!!! Why, oh why, did I watch that video again???

Anyway, I've added more boob jokes.

My goal is to try and do my set without benefit of my notes, which scares me absolutely to death. My mind could go blank at any moment and I could end up standing there going, "Uh......" and staring off into space until they flash the red light at me.  It's not like I've never frozen onstage before, there is precedent for this worry... But that's a story for another time.  Suffice it to say, that little incident is still a "hilarious" family joke that shows no signs of dying no matter how many years have gone by.

I have my outfit picked out (super important), my bits written (mostly), and now I'm desperately trying to figure out what song I want them to play when I walk onstage... They let you pick the music you walk out to onstage! How cool is that???  Of course, I didn't know that when I did my first open mic so I didn't have anything picked out.  The only song I could think of off the cuff was the theme song for the podcast (Rock n' Roll by Hillbilly Herald, best song ever), which of course they didn't have, so I asked the dj to play anything by Snoop because he's my favorite.

So what song did the dj pick out of the many amazing Snoop songs??? Gin and Juice? Lodi Dodi? Drop It Like It's Hot?

Oh no, he played "Girls" by the Beastie Boys. Seriously??? I freaking HATE that song!!! It is so damn cheesy. Why??? Just why??? Because I'm a girl? Or is it because I look as if my main interest in life is girls in the morning, evening, and various other times of the day as indicated by the lyrics??? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but for crying out loud, I don't look nearly interesting enough to be into the ladies.  I look like nothing less than what I am, which is an old married lady with a couple of kids.  Who apparently enjoys super irritating xylophone music from the 80's.

I submit the song below so that you might understand how wretched it was to walk out to.  I feel that I can safely say that this is about as far away from the coolness of Snoop as you can get. 




So, that complaint being filed, this is the song that I have decided I would dearly love to walk out to:



Considering all of the material I seem to be drawing from this particular body part, I think it's appropriate, don't you???  However, I'm not holding out hope that the dj will have this song, so I am pleading for the help of you, my blog friends...

What song should I walk out to?  I can't walk out to anything country because that is just so not me, but anything else is fair game.  Please help, oh please!!! Just leave your suggestions below in the comments section!!!

Thanks friends!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful week, and may the theme songs of your life never be played on the xylophone.

Business in the front, party in the back.

There is just something about a good mullet.

Something amazing.

I mean, there is absolutely nothing you can do but admire a choice so bold.  I know, there is a segment of the population that is somewhat horrified by them but I, quite simply, am fascinated.  Not ironically.  Because, to borrow a quote from "Mullet Junky," "To a true mullet connoisseur, the mullet is not viewed as just a haircut. It's a phenomenon...a culture...a rare breed that can transform interest and curiosity into obsession."   

Truer words were never spoken.  At least when it comes to the proud heritage of the mullet.

It takes a very special person, a rebel, if you will, to rock a "Camaro crash helmet."  


After all, this is a haircut that went out of style at least 20 years ago, yet men & (sadly) women across this great land are still clinging to their "Kentucky waterfalls" with the same sort of fierce pride guys devote to their underpants from high school. 

Personally, and I feel comfortable going out on a limb here, I believe I have seen one of the most magnificent (yet slightly disturbing) mullets that has ever graced this fair earth. Surely it must have been at the height of mullet mania, when I was a mere child? Oh no, no it most certainly was not. This mullet was spotted in approximately 2000, when I was living with my (super cool) friends in an apartment (magical times) in Laramie. (I feel it is important to give the location, as some of you may be Laramites and could potentially spot it for yourselves.) 


As I blearily walked out to get my mail after waking up one afternoon, I saw a red flash in the corner of my eye. I turned my head, not sure what might meet my eyes... It was spectacular. Breathtaking, really. Surely it couldn't be real? My bleary eyes must be deceiving me. I rubbed them and looked again. Oh no, this was no trick of the light, but a genuine, 100%, lady mullet. A femullet, the rarest of all.  Not only that, but it was bright red, a dash of blonde, and a whole lotta wonderful. It had all the makings of a kick ass "achy breaky mistakey." Short on the top, spiked lovingly with gel, slightly longer sides smoothed seamlessly into a waist length extravaganza of curly awesomeness the likes of which I can never hope to see again. Friends, I can only wish for you a sight such as this. It was one of those moments in life you think to yourself, "Right here, right now, all is right with the world. I'm exactly where I was meant to be."
 
In writing about this, I felt it important for me to gain some insight into what goes on under a mullet. The inner workings, if you will, of the courageous few, the mullet-havers.  For this, I had only one place to turn: my very own brother.  Yes, shockingly, Dan was in possession of his very own mullet for over a year.  To be fair, he was a little kid, but still, his skull was covered in mullet for a time.  I asked the obvious question, "Why?!? Just why?!?" and he replied with the only answer he could have, "MacGyver."

"MacGyver." These days, it's just a whisper on the wind.  The ghost of mullets past.  I can't help but think that MacGyver's hair was sort of like Samson's.  It was the source of his power.  He could make a bomb out of gum and a paper clip, but only because of the proud sandy mop atop his noble head. It showed his every emotion. Intelligent but fun, serious but sensitive... No other style could have such range. He would have been nothing without that "nape drape."

Mullets were slow to die, but die they did.  At the urgings of many a wife, I'm sure.  I like to think that whenever a mullet man's wife finally nags him into divesting himself of his sweet, sweet "Canadian passport," MacGyver's is looking down from heaven, a tear slowly running down its sideburn.  

So, my friends, next time you see a "Tennessee top hat," don't scoff. A good mullet is hard to find these days.  It must be treated as the rarest of flowers.  They are to be treasured and admired, for who knows when next you may see one? 

I hope you all have a wonderful, exciting week! May your neck be ever warm, and your forehead ever cool.

Cirque Du Sadness

My initial instinct is never to attend any fair/circus/other type of traveling freak show that comes through town.  NEVER!!!  For what good can come of an evening spent amongst the modern equivalent of gypsies?

Obviously I developed a severe case of circus madness a few weeks ago, because I decided it would be a good idea to take Daisy to the big top. Sunny was off staying overnight with the grandparents, so poor baby sister needed a treat, right? Really, how bad could it be? Daisy would stare, transfixed, at the magical sight before her, leaving me free to chat with my friend.

Smash cut to me, five minutes in, grumpily comforting my four year old, who was sobbing dramatically in my lap because I didn't have cash to buy her a $5 freaking snow cone at the dumb circus.

To be fair, how could she help feeling that she NEEDED that snow cone? I mean, those (barely) glorified carnies were circling us like sharks, waving stale popcorn, snow cones, cotton candy, and clown noses at us.  I can only assume the ploy is to get our kids to use their power of whining to con us into buying that crap. I must say, for the most part it seemed to work. I was surrounded by a sea of sticky faces, light up whatevers, and giant red noses. Seriously?!? People were actually okay with letting their children look like the scariest, most disturbing creatures on the planet: clowns.  Ak!

I've found that the acts and performers in these small traveling circuses generally have a certain air of sadness about them. I mean, let’s face it, if you're not with Ringling Brothers, you're probably just a girl who’s mad at her parents or a dude on the lam who knows how to juggle.  Or possibly a person who owns a giant yellow snake and wants to see the world.

Much to my delight and the utter boredom of my second born, this particular circus had not only an air of sadness, but also a "who gives a shit?" attitude.  As I was watching all I could think was, “Dear God, this is a disaster. Please let me remember every moment, so that I may snarkily blog about it later. Also, please make Daisy stop begging me for things. Amen.”  

“Ladies and gentleman, children of all ages, welcome to “The Most Fair-to-Middling Show On Earth!!!”(that's not what they said, but they should have)

I have to say, despite my reservations, it started off pretty strong with a tiger show that included some super cool white tigers.  Unfortunately, they mostly looked bored and hungry. They had their mouths open the entire time, just hoping their trainer would accidentally fall in, I assume. They were probably extremely embarrassed to be seen taking orders from a chubby dude with a mullet who was encased in sparkly spandex like the world's fanciest sausage. I’m sure they just wanted to get it over with. It takes more time to attack and eat the guy than it does to just do what he wants so he’ll leave them alone.

So far, it might sound like this circus was pretty small time... But it wasn’t!  This circus had three rings, baby!!! In Ring 1, of course, was the jugglers. Cool!!! As the world's clumsiest woman, I am fascinated by jugglers for two reasons: they can throw a bunch of things up in the air, and they can catch them when they come back down. Too bad these jugglers could only do one of the things.  I'll let you guess which one.  In Ring 2, was the world's least funny clown. He fell down a couple of times and showed his underpants a bit without much rhyme or reason... But on the plus side, he was very dapper and sorta Frenchy, dressed as a sailor, and was actually pretty attractive for a clown (which isn't saying much, really, but ya know)... Or at least he was until he came around spinning those dumb clown noses and I realized he was about 40 years older than I originally thought and was missing a few teeth.  And finally, Ring 3.  It contained a couple who was dressed to the nines.  Their big performance was changing clothes.  Seriously. They put a hula hoop over themselves and when it came down they were wearing different outfits.  Astounding! If only I could buy one of those things for my kids, my mornings would be go a lot more smoothly.

At some point, a multitude of scantily clad women started climbing ropes. Acrobatics are pretty freaking awesome, right? In this case, however, a few of the ladies had some struggles with actually climbing up the rope... The little poor gal in front of us was a full 30 seconds behind the other ladies climbing, which just made her shame all the more apparent.  She did eventually finally claw her way to the top of that rope though.  At which point she looked around, caught up with the act already in progress, and was able to perform for a minute before sliding back down (she was much better at that part)... I feel like I should actually be viewing this as a life lesson, though:  Never give up, never!!! You'll get to the top of that rope eventually, girl! And when you do, you may look sorta foolish, but you can probably still figure out what’s going on.

One of the acts was just a lady who juggled a ball on her feet. Really, the most amazing thing about it was that she was able to jam her large form into such a tiny outfit.  It was also amazing that they chose to face her butt end towards the audience.  Why??? Is it not as exciting if you aren’t running the risk of accidentally seeing her nethers?

There was also a sort of "amazing" gymnastic-y type dude... He climbed up on a tall tower thing and balanced on one hand, then the other, but couldn't quite balance on his head, which was supposed to be his grand finale. He kept sort of wavering scarily and then having to grab the stand with his hands to keep from falling. After a few minutes, this got pretty boring.  So I delighted myself with a little game I like to call, "sock or penis" in which I try to figure out if this man has stuffed a sock into his skin tight outfit, or if that’s all him (if you know what I mean).  In case you're wondering, I'm pretty sure it was a sock. Or maybe a roll of quarters.

Though it may seem like the sock would be the “big” finale, it most certainly was not… The big finale was my favorite thing, the elephants!!! They are soooo freaking ADORABLE!!! I guess I’m just a sucker for wrinkly grey skin and wise old eyes. They held each other's tails and walked in a circle (not terribly impressive really, unless you're an elephant), and they danced! Danced!!! With their little feet in time to the music!!! Oh my lord, I just about lost it. It was awesome!!! However, the truly amazing thing about the performance was that the elephants just couldn't seem to stop crapping. And more amazing still, was the fact that at a certain point a man was sent in to catch the crap as it fell from their rear ends and toss it out of the ring before it hit the ground. Now THAT is a juggling act I can get behind. Literally. And a finale I shall not soon forget.

In conclusion my friends, though my instincts about not attending traveling freak shows were generally correct, the circus really can be a good time.  Not for children, mind you, they’ll be bored out of their gourds, but for sarcastic and jaded souls such as myself, oh yes.  An evening full of tattered satin and shattered dreams, count me in!

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful week, my friends! And may the elephant poops of your life always land on your shovel!

Question Time, pt. 2 (of Mikes & Men)

Happy, happy Monday my loves!!! Are you having a fantastic day??? I certainly hope so!!! What could possibly make your day better? Well, part two of Question Time, of course!!! Enjoy (please!)!!!


In my attempt to be that amazing mom who always has super cute pictures of her super adorable children sitting in perfect pose with pleasant little perfect smiles, I opted to have sibling photos taken of my kids. My kids who are never fond of each other at the appropriate times refused to cooperate. They would not hold hands, sit next to each other, look at each other or share any prop with each other let alone any space with any kind of close proximity to each other. I tried everything....beatings, bribery, emotional manipulation, threats, food, time out, yelling, whispering forcefully, and even my own adult style two year old tantrum...I was paying hundreds and I would get a good picture! Nothing...I still got nothing from them. Anyway our amazing, talented and extremely patient photographer tried her best but what I ended up with was mostly a series of pictures showcasing warring siblings, stubbornness, and orneriness. I have frowns, scowls, fights, parental discipline, pouts,  and apparently horrified reactions to nose picking...but no smiles....no love. I remember your mom once stating that you are not a real mom until you have at least 2 children....I think I get that at this point.

So here is my question: has this type of thing ever happened to you? And even if it hasn't, in your opinion what is the appropriate maternal reaction to this situation? How should a mother handle/cope with this?

Was the photo shoot a complete epic failure? I'm not sure but I'm sure it will be used as blackmail I'm my son in his dating years. ;)


-submitted by Sara T.

So, I have to tell you, getting professional pictures taken is about as close to hell on earth as it gets... You start off with stress because you're paying a freaking ton of money to get these pictures taken, then you have to try and make your kids look perfect (which they HATE), then you have to try and make them do things (which they also HATE)... Kids can smell stress like a shark smells blood in the water.  The slightest hint, and you are dead meat.

 Of course, I've had this type of thing happen to me more times than I can count... My oldest is easy to get a picture of at this point, but getting my little one to sit still and/or smile without looking like she's trying to bite you is basically impossible.  I swear, not even a National Geographic photographer could get a decent picture of my kids both smiling and looking the same direction.

So, after 9 years of this torture, I've learned something: there's nothing you can do. Probably not what you want to hear, but there is just NOTHING to be done about it.  As you said, you did everything, tried everything, and seriously, the more you try, the worse they get.  In my opinion, be it ever flawed and humble, your best bet is to just give up and tell yourself, "It is what it is, my kids are cute, this is who they are and how they're acting, and that's what we're going to have a picture of." It's not possible to change their behavior for picture day, believe me, I've tried in a million different ways.  In fact, I have a lovely series of photos of Sunny in which you can clearly see Cheerios in her mouth because that was the only thing that would stop her from freaking out long enough to get a picture.

I have to tell you, I think your picture is absolutely priceless... It is ADORABLE!!! Honestly, I love it.  It is so full of personality, they both look as cute as they can be, and it's funny.  And definitely not boring.  I think the more time that goes by, the more you are going to love this... In 20 years when they're all grown up you're going to get such a kick out of looking at these photos!  This picture is really pretty special, much more so than just a picture of perfect hands and faces.

So if you could have a lap dance from ANY of the guys on Magic Mike, who would it be and why?
-submitted by Jennifer W.

Oh. My. Lord.

Um...............

Wait, what???

Seriously, I'm supposed to be typing when I'm staring down a 24 pack of some of the finest abs this world has ever seen???

You guys, I feel like I'm getting lost in a sea of muscular dreams right now.

Yeah, so, anyway, about the lap dance.

Oh, there, that's better... I have now typed down far enough to where I can only see their feet so I'm good now.

Well, you would think this would be an easy question to answer, but it's not... So much tan musculature to choose from!!!  There is an early favorite, a carry over from True Blood, in Joe Manganiello. He is gorgeous!!!  However, in choosing him I would be getting into some dangerous territory.  My bff Gina has already laid claim to that particular hot body, and I can't take a chance on getting these baby blues clawed out... So, sadly, Joe is disqualified.

That leaves me with Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, Alex Pettyfer, and Matt Bomer. Quite the hunk quandary, I must say. 

I'm going to go ahead and take Matt Bomer out of the running right away as well.  Now don't get me wrong, he's gorgeous, but for some reason he just doesn't do it for me... I dunno, are his eyes TOO piercing? Are his abs TOO defined? Either way, this is not the man I want to swing a banana hammock in my face.

Matthew McConaughey... Oh Matthew!  He's been hot for years, and there is something super sexy about him to be sure.  However, that man is pretty much always shirtless.  I've been looking at Matthew's half nude form for at least 10 years, so much so that I really feel as if I've already had that lap dance.  I need a newer set of washboards.

Now, to break the current two way tie between Alex Pettyfer and Channing Tatum...

I have to tell you, when I first started thinking about this question (and trust me, I've been doing a LOT of thinking about this question), I took a careful look at all of these gentlemen and decided I would definitely choose Alex.  He is suuuuuper dreamy & there is something about this picture

that made me feel a little giddy. Oh my... Smolder!!!!!!! Grrrrrrr!!!!!! Okay, sorry guys, I'm distracted by the picture again... Must skip a line so I am no longer staring at a perfect mouth and jawline.

One more line, and...

There, safety!  So anyway, this dude is amazing looking & has none of the "been there done that" factor of Matthew, because I've never seen him before.  Oh man, it is a lucky girl indeed that would get a lap dance from this particular stripper.

(Incidentally, as a side note:  I don't think real life male strippers look like this, really I don't.  I feel like they are probably all about 20 lbs overweight, have jerry curl mullets, and are trying to make some extra cash to support a gambling addiction.)

However, that being said, I want to get my lap dance from Channing Tatum.  I must confess, at first, I didn't even consider him.  He was the first one I took out of the running.  I was sort on Channing Tatum overload because so many ladies are currently lusting after him, and I didn't quite get it. I mean, he's cute and everything, but he's not devastatingly handsome like Sir Alex.  However, I just saw 21 Jump Street and he was soooo adorable and charming in that movie, I decided that is the man I want to get some second hand body glitter from. Meow!!! Oh, also, this picture:

I mean, I feel like he should get the dumb sunglasses out of his mouth, but otherwise, not too shabby. 

So, Channing Tatum, you win!!! You get to give me a lap dance!!! I'm sure he'll be thrilled when he finds out.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful week, and if you have to do laundry, find a set of washboard abs to do it on, won't you?