My initial instinct is never to attend any fair/circus/other type of traveling freak show that comes through town. NEVER!!! For what good can come of an evening spent amongst the modern equivalent of gypsies?
Obviously I developed a severe case of circus madness a few weeks ago, because I decided it would be a good idea to take Daisy to the big top. Sunny was off staying overnight with the grandparents, so poor baby sister needed a treat, right? Really, how bad could it be? Daisy would stare, transfixed, at the magical sight before her, leaving me free to chat with my friend.
Smash cut to me, five minutes in, grumpily comforting my four year old, who was sobbing dramatically in my lap because I didn't have cash to buy her a $5 freaking snow cone at the dumb circus.
To be fair, how could she help feeling that she NEEDED that snow cone? I mean, those (barely) glorified carnies were circling us like sharks, waving stale popcorn, snow cones, cotton candy, and clown noses at us. I can only assume the ploy is to get our kids to use their power of whining to con us into buying that crap. I must say, for the most part it seemed to work. I was surrounded by a sea of sticky faces, light up whatevers, and giant red noses. Seriously?!? People were actually okay with letting their children look like the scariest, most disturbing creatures on the planet: clowns. Ak!
I've found that the acts and performers in these small traveling circuses generally have a certain air of sadness about them. I mean, let’s face it, if you're not with Ringling Brothers, you're probably just a girl who’s mad at her parents or a dude on the lam who knows how to juggle. Or possibly a person who owns a giant yellow snake and wants to see the world.
Much to my delight and the utter boredom of my second born, this particular circus had not only an air of sadness, but also a "who gives a shit?" attitude. As I was watching all I could think was, “Dear God, this is a disaster. Please let me remember every moment, so that I may snarkily blog about it later. Also, please make Daisy stop begging me for things. Amen.”
“Ladies and gentleman, children of all ages, welcome to “The Most Fair-to-Middling Show On Earth!!!”(that's not what they said, but they should have)
I have to say, despite my reservations, it started off pretty strong with a tiger show that included some super cool white tigers. Unfortunately, they mostly looked bored and hungry. They had their mouths open the entire time, just hoping their trainer would accidentally fall in, I assume. They were probably extremely embarrassed to be seen taking orders from a chubby dude with a mullet who was encased in sparkly spandex like the world's fanciest sausage. I’m sure they just wanted to get it over with. It takes more time to attack and eat the guy than it does to just do what he wants so he’ll leave them alone.
So far, it might sound like this circus was pretty small time... But it wasn’t! This circus had three rings, baby!!! In Ring 1, of course, was the jugglers. Cool!!! As the world's clumsiest woman, I am fascinated by jugglers for two reasons: they can throw a bunch of things up in the air, and they can catch them when they come back down. Too bad these jugglers could only do one of the things. I'll let you guess which one. In Ring 2, was the world's least funny clown. He fell down a couple of times and showed his underpants a bit without much rhyme or reason... But on the plus side, he was very dapper and sorta Frenchy, dressed as a sailor, and was actually pretty attractive for a clown (which isn't saying much, really, but ya know)... Or at least he was until he came around spinning those dumb clown noses and I realized he was about 40 years older than I originally thought and was missing a few teeth. And finally, Ring 3. It contained a couple who was dressed to the nines. Their big performance was changing clothes. Seriously. They put a hula hoop over themselves and when it came down they were wearing different outfits. Astounding! If only I could buy one of those things for my kids, my mornings would be go a lot more smoothly.
At some point, a multitude of scantily clad women started climbing ropes. Acrobatics are pretty freaking awesome, right? In this case, however, a few of the ladies had some struggles with actually climbing up the rope... The little poor gal in front of us was a full 30 seconds behind the other ladies climbing, which just made her shame all the more apparent. She did eventually finally claw her way to the top of that rope though. At which point she looked around, caught up with the act already in progress, and was able to perform for a minute before sliding back down (she was much better at that part)... I feel like I should actually be viewing this as a life lesson, though: Never give up, never!!! You'll get to the top of that rope eventually, girl! And when you do, you may look sorta foolish, but you can probably still figure out what’s going on.
One of the acts was just a lady who juggled a ball on her feet. Really, the most amazing thing about it was that she was able to jam her large form into such a tiny outfit. It was also amazing that they chose to face her butt end towards the audience. Why??? Is it not as exciting if you aren’t running the risk of accidentally seeing her nethers?
There was also a sort of "amazing" gymnastic-y type dude... He climbed up on a tall tower thing and balanced on one hand, then the other, but couldn't quite balance on his head, which was supposed to be his grand finale. He kept sort of wavering scarily and then having to grab the stand with his hands to keep from falling. After a few minutes, this got pretty boring. So I delighted myself with a little game I like to call, "sock or penis" in which I try to figure out if this man has stuffed a sock into his skin tight outfit, or if that’s all him (if you know what I mean). In case you're wondering, I'm pretty sure it was a sock. Or maybe a roll of quarters.
Though it may seem like the sock would be the “big” finale, it most certainly was not… The big finale was my favorite thing, the elephants!!! They are soooo freaking ADORABLE!!! I guess I’m just a sucker for wrinkly grey skin and wise old eyes. They held each other's tails and walked in a circle (not terribly impressive really, unless you're an elephant), and they danced! Danced!!! With their little feet in time to the music!!! Oh my lord, I just about lost it. It was awesome!!! However, the truly amazing thing about the performance was that the elephants just couldn't seem to stop crapping. And more amazing still, was the fact that at a certain point a man was sent in to catch the crap as it fell from their rear ends and toss it out of the ring before it hit the ground. Now THAT is a juggling act I can get behind. Literally. And a finale I shall not soon forget.
In conclusion my friends, though my instincts about not attending traveling freak shows were generally correct, the circus really can be a good time. Not for children, mind you, they’ll be bored out of their gourds, but for sarcastic and jaded souls such as myself, oh yes. An evening full of tattered satin and shattered dreams, count me in!
Well, I hope you all have a wonderful week, my friends! And may the elephant poops of your life always land on your shovel!
No comments:
Post a Comment