Question Time, pt. 2 (of Mikes & Men)

Happy, happy Monday my loves!!! Are you having a fantastic day??? I certainly hope so!!! What could possibly make your day better? Well, part two of Question Time, of course!!! Enjoy (please!)!!!


In my attempt to be that amazing mom who always has super cute pictures of her super adorable children sitting in perfect pose with pleasant little perfect smiles, I opted to have sibling photos taken of my kids. My kids who are never fond of each other at the appropriate times refused to cooperate. They would not hold hands, sit next to each other, look at each other or share any prop with each other let alone any space with any kind of close proximity to each other. I tried everything....beatings, bribery, emotional manipulation, threats, food, time out, yelling, whispering forcefully, and even my own adult style two year old tantrum...I was paying hundreds and I would get a good picture! Nothing...I still got nothing from them. Anyway our amazing, talented and extremely patient photographer tried her best but what I ended up with was mostly a series of pictures showcasing warring siblings, stubbornness, and orneriness. I have frowns, scowls, fights, parental discipline, pouts,  and apparently horrified reactions to nose picking...but no smiles....no love. I remember your mom once stating that you are not a real mom until you have at least 2 children....I think I get that at this point.

So here is my question: has this type of thing ever happened to you? And even if it hasn't, in your opinion what is the appropriate maternal reaction to this situation? How should a mother handle/cope with this?

Was the photo shoot a complete epic failure? I'm not sure but I'm sure it will be used as blackmail I'm my son in his dating years. ;)


-submitted by Sara T.

So, I have to tell you, getting professional pictures taken is about as close to hell on earth as it gets... You start off with stress because you're paying a freaking ton of money to get these pictures taken, then you have to try and make your kids look perfect (which they HATE), then you have to try and make them do things (which they also HATE)... Kids can smell stress like a shark smells blood in the water.  The slightest hint, and you are dead meat.

 Of course, I've had this type of thing happen to me more times than I can count... My oldest is easy to get a picture of at this point, but getting my little one to sit still and/or smile without looking like she's trying to bite you is basically impossible.  I swear, not even a National Geographic photographer could get a decent picture of my kids both smiling and looking the same direction.

So, after 9 years of this torture, I've learned something: there's nothing you can do. Probably not what you want to hear, but there is just NOTHING to be done about it.  As you said, you did everything, tried everything, and seriously, the more you try, the worse they get.  In my opinion, be it ever flawed and humble, your best bet is to just give up and tell yourself, "It is what it is, my kids are cute, this is who they are and how they're acting, and that's what we're going to have a picture of." It's not possible to change their behavior for picture day, believe me, I've tried in a million different ways.  In fact, I have a lovely series of photos of Sunny in which you can clearly see Cheerios in her mouth because that was the only thing that would stop her from freaking out long enough to get a picture.

I have to tell you, I think your picture is absolutely priceless... It is ADORABLE!!! Honestly, I love it.  It is so full of personality, they both look as cute as they can be, and it's funny.  And definitely not boring.  I think the more time that goes by, the more you are going to love this... In 20 years when they're all grown up you're going to get such a kick out of looking at these photos!  This picture is really pretty special, much more so than just a picture of perfect hands and faces.

So if you could have a lap dance from ANY of the guys on Magic Mike, who would it be and why?
-submitted by Jennifer W.

Oh. My. Lord.

Um...............

Wait, what???

Seriously, I'm supposed to be typing when I'm staring down a 24 pack of some of the finest abs this world has ever seen???

You guys, I feel like I'm getting lost in a sea of muscular dreams right now.

Yeah, so, anyway, about the lap dance.

Oh, there, that's better... I have now typed down far enough to where I can only see their feet so I'm good now.

Well, you would think this would be an easy question to answer, but it's not... So much tan musculature to choose from!!!  There is an early favorite, a carry over from True Blood, in Joe Manganiello. He is gorgeous!!!  However, in choosing him I would be getting into some dangerous territory.  My bff Gina has already laid claim to that particular hot body, and I can't take a chance on getting these baby blues clawed out... So, sadly, Joe is disqualified.

That leaves me with Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, Alex Pettyfer, and Matt Bomer. Quite the hunk quandary, I must say. 

I'm going to go ahead and take Matt Bomer out of the running right away as well.  Now don't get me wrong, he's gorgeous, but for some reason he just doesn't do it for me... I dunno, are his eyes TOO piercing? Are his abs TOO defined? Either way, this is not the man I want to swing a banana hammock in my face.

Matthew McConaughey... Oh Matthew!  He's been hot for years, and there is something super sexy about him to be sure.  However, that man is pretty much always shirtless.  I've been looking at Matthew's half nude form for at least 10 years, so much so that I really feel as if I've already had that lap dance.  I need a newer set of washboards.

Now, to break the current two way tie between Alex Pettyfer and Channing Tatum...

I have to tell you, when I first started thinking about this question (and trust me, I've been doing a LOT of thinking about this question), I took a careful look at all of these gentlemen and decided I would definitely choose Alex.  He is suuuuuper dreamy & there is something about this picture

that made me feel a little giddy. Oh my... Smolder!!!!!!! Grrrrrrr!!!!!! Okay, sorry guys, I'm distracted by the picture again... Must skip a line so I am no longer staring at a perfect mouth and jawline.

One more line, and...

There, safety!  So anyway, this dude is amazing looking & has none of the "been there done that" factor of Matthew, because I've never seen him before.  Oh man, it is a lucky girl indeed that would get a lap dance from this particular stripper.

(Incidentally, as a side note:  I don't think real life male strippers look like this, really I don't.  I feel like they are probably all about 20 lbs overweight, have jerry curl mullets, and are trying to make some extra cash to support a gambling addiction.)

However, that being said, I want to get my lap dance from Channing Tatum.  I must confess, at first, I didn't even consider him.  He was the first one I took out of the running.  I was sort on Channing Tatum overload because so many ladies are currently lusting after him, and I didn't quite get it. I mean, he's cute and everything, but he's not devastatingly handsome like Sir Alex.  However, I just saw 21 Jump Street and he was soooo adorable and charming in that movie, I decided that is the man I want to get some second hand body glitter from. Meow!!! Oh, also, this picture:

I mean, I feel like he should get the dumb sunglasses out of his mouth, but otherwise, not too shabby. 

So, Channing Tatum, you win!!! You get to give me a lap dance!!! I'm sure he'll be thrilled when he finds out.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful week, and if you have to do laundry, find a set of washboard abs to do it on, won't you? 

Question Time!!!

Good afternoon my Little Peaches!!! Why am I calling you that? Cause I love you & think you're sweet, the same way I feel about peaches, of course!!!  This week I decided to do something a little different with the blog and answer some questions.  Some of you amazing people submitted questions and I have answered them in my own little way!

I have decided to post the questions in two parts for a couple of reasons. One, because I am so very long-winded and the blog was getting going super long, and two, because I am going to switch my post day to Mondays from here on out.  With the podcast coming out on Fridays it was getting to be a bit much doing both the same day.  So, on Monday, you will get part two!

The question is posted in bold and the answer is just in plain ol' text.

If Donald Duck never wore pants then why did he need a towel when he got out of the shower? 
-Question submitted by my very own brother in law, Clay

Donald Duck is certainly not known for his modesty.  I mean, as you said, he marches around proudly without benefit of pants on a daily basis.  Frankly, I have yet to detect so much as a trace of shame on his bill.  So, why the sudden modesty after he showers? Well, I can really think of only one reason.  Perhaps when his feathers are dry, they are fluffy enough to cover his... How to put this delicately? Boy parts.  Though it may seem coarse to discuss a beloved cartoon character in such terms, we have to face reality.  He is a boy, therefore, he must possess the necessary equipment somewhere.  I propose that "somewhere" is underneath his fluffy nether feathers.  When Donald steps out of the shower, his nether feathers are decidedly un-fluffy, as they are soaking wet.  Were he not to use the towel, his audience would be treated to a decidedly un-family friendly display of manhood, and nobody wants that.

What is the funniest movie of all time? Discuss.
-Question submitted by my dear friend Hermione Danger ;)


Oh man... This is a minefield of a question.  I know, it seems perfectly innocent and fun, and really it is, but I also feel like I could end up revealing myself for the ginormous cheese-ball I am.  My taste in movies is not what one would call "refined." Not by any stretch... The movies I find funny are, for the most part, embarrassingly dumb.  There are recent comedies that I'm not ashamed of, like Forgetting Sarah Marshall (this is  my current favorite), 40 Year Old Virgin, Superbad, Bridesmaids, The Hammer, Role Models, The Hangover, Tropic Thunder, & I Love You Man.  However, I feel like to answer this question properly I need to span the course of my lifetime and choose the movie that  warped my fragile psyche the most growing up and thus the my entire comedic sensibility.  I don't know if I can choose just one!!! Really, I don't.  So, I will submit to you, my amazing friends/readers, a list my all-time favorites from my younger years, combine them all together, and that will be the funniest movie of all time.

Wayne's World
There's Something About Mary
Billy Madison
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
The Waterboy
Tommy Boy
Black Sheep
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (probably the movie I have seen the most times of any movie, sad but true)
Rocketman (in hindsight, this is a pretty terrible movie, but I watched it a bunch of times and died laughing)

Thus, the title of this movie is:  Twatbratab.
That is the funniest movie of all time.

Are you a native to the state if not what brought you to the state?
-Pat from KY
(this is too a fun question, Pat!:)

As a matter of fact, I am 100% Wyoming born and bred... Ew!!! Forget that bred part, I thought about that a little and it was gross. Why do people say that??? Anyway, I was born and raised in Ten Sleep, which had 311 people in it the entire time I was growing up, and now I live 20 minutes from there in the big city, Worland, that has about 5000... Oh, don't go thinking I haven't lived out all of my city dreams... I also lived in Laramie for about 5 years and not only did that have 20,000 people in it, but it also had a Walmart!!! I will say this, I love Ten Sleep more than words can say. That place is just so special... If you ever get a chance, it is a MUST to go there (I recommend during Nowoodstock, our annual music festival).

 Well, that's all for today.  I hope you enjoyed the questions because I thought it was SUPER fun!!! Let me know if you like this little question thing and we'll do it again sometime!!! Stay tuned for Monday, I may or may not be answering a question about MAGIC MIKE!!!  Woooooo!!!

Have a wonderful week, and may the towels of your life ever hide your shame!!!

SUPER HAPPY QUESTION TIME!!!

Hi my dear, sweet, beautiful friends!!! I would LOVE to do something a little bit different with the blog this week, but I NEED YOUR HELP!!! Sorry, am I being too dramatic??? I have a tendency to overdo it sometimes... Anyway, I would love to take some questions for this week's blog and answer them in my own special way!!! But I can't do it unless you submit them!

So, ask me anything!!!

Advice questions, questions about the blog, the podcast, something random that popped into your head, stuff you don't think I could possibly have an opinion about, ANYTHING!!!

It'll be super fun, I think!!! You can submit them at my e-mail, mfirnekas@gmail.com or if you want to remain anonymous, you can just leave them as a comment below and submit it as Anonymous.  Fair warning: I may or may not be making up fun aliases for everyone who submits a question.

I hope you all get a kick out of this, I'm excited!!! Unless nobody asks anything, and then I'm sad.

Lots of love to you my beautiful angel friends!

Mandy

Nipple Talk

I've been thinking a lot about nipples.  Not only because I was feverishly repeating the "nipple chunk" (as I like to call it) in my standup set over and over trying to memorize it last week, but also because I have two attached to the front of me.  They are a fascinating subject to be sure.  Thus, the following is a compilation of all of my "nipple thoughts" for the week, as a sort of companion piece to the video of my standup I posted last week.  I do hope you enjoy, and maybe read it with your nipples, and hopefully the three of you can commiserate and get a good laugh.

When you get right down to it, nipples are basically the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae known as your boob.  When you're young, they're perfectly perched atop like a happy little decoration.  As you age, they sort of slide down the side like they've been left out in the sun.

Areolas are alive, ever-changing creatures.  As you grow in life, so do they.  Exponentially.  With each child you have, they will start claiming more territory on your overall boob.  You may start out with a 90/10 boob to nipple ration, but I promise that's not how you'll end up. You've been warned, young ladies. 
 
If my body were an army, my nipples would be the recon guys because they go in first during every mission.  Only problem is, they're terrible communicators. They have neither mouths nor hands, so even if they sense danger my body has to wait until the eyes reach the situation to find out about it.  By then it could be too late.  I'm thinking about trying to train them to communicate through a series of tingles.  That way, if the sh*t's going down, I can quickly back out of the room before I get into an awkward encounter.  Yes, my life is such that the only "sh*t" that goes down is an awkward encounter.

 At one time in my life, my nipples sat at the front of my body proudly, like the prow on a ship, pointing my way through life and letting me know when it was cold.  Now they're just sorta sad.  Like little arrows that can only point at my feet.

I've come to think of my areolas sort of like the rings inside a tree... Just as the rings of a tree store its entire history, so do my boob halos store mine. The older I get, the more of my rich history is played out in the seemingly never-ending expansion of my nipples.  Each year, I get to look in the mirror, and ask myself that age-old question, "What the hell??? Are they getting bigger???" and each year, the horrid, resounding answer is "Yes, yes they are."

Well, my wonderful friends/readers, that is all for this week.  And may the areolas of your life never be described as "pepperonis."

Open Mic, Open Heart

You know that whole dream bomb detonation I've been talking about for months and months...? Well, I totally blew that thing up!!!  I went and did my open mic night at Manny's in Billings!!!  I wish I could say I remember every detail, but honestly, it's kind of a blur.  The one thing I remember very clearly though?  The feel of that sweet, sweet microphone in my hand.  Ah, it was a.m.a.z.i.n.g.!!!

I was so nervous beforehand, it's the one time in my adult life that I could honestly see myself wetting my pants in fright.  My hands went numb and my arms were tingling, but I didn't drop the mic, so I'm pretty happy with that.  I'm posting the video below, and I hope you guys enjoy it.  Please keep in mind, this is the very first time I've ever done anything like this... So be gentle friends, be gentle.

My wonderful friend Gina came with me and video-d for me, and since she was watching, my head got cut off a time or two.  Which actually, I think is a good thing.  With this face, a little goes a long way.

At times you can barely hear me over the talking of the crowd... I went on 10th out of 18, so by the time I was up, I think everybody was sorta drunk and reeeeeal bored.  But actually, it went better than I ever could have hoped for.  People even laughed! I didn't trip or accidentally break wind so loudly the mic picked it up, which were my two greatest fears.

Whew, it's over, I did it, and I am so so happy!!! I reached out and grabbed my dream and damn near strangled it to death.

Anyway, here's the video.  I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think!!!

Countdown to Standup, T-1

Panic.

Setting.

In.

Insides.

Mush.

HELP!!!