Fight Opera

It is a truth universally acknowledged that there is nothing more irritating than the sound of your children fighting.  That sharp keening screech that digs directly into the annoyance center of your brain, that sound that sets your eye to twitching... That sound that can literally make you feel like the hairs on your head are turning gray one by one.  Fingernails on a chalkboard would be a welcome relief compared to that wretched sound.

It's normal for siblings to fight... Or at least that's what the front of Parenting Magazine says. Which, incidentally, I do NOT have a subscription to.  It just started showing up in my mailbox two months ago and won't go away.  I would never willingly have a subscription to that magazine.  I feel like since I've been doing this whole "Mom" thing for over nine years now the only possible thing that magazine can do for me is make me feel bad about myself.  Ah yes, I remember wanting to be a perfect parent.  Ha. Ha. Ha. Now I'm just happy to be clinging to a last few shreds of sanity.  I'm not sure exactly why it started showing up, but I feel like it was intended as either a hint or an insult and I am accepting neither.  

Anyway, I didn't really need Parenting Magazine to tell me about sibling fighting because I have a fair bit of experience in that particular department.  Oh yes, I do.  In fact, I have a long and storied history of fighting with my very own baby brother.  Well, he's not a baby now, he's only 17 months younger than me.  I wasn't  fighting with an infant, that would just be wrong.  Unless the baby was as annoying as my brother.  Then I would have had every reason.

Even though I know we fought all the time, I can't remember for the life of me what it was about.  So, because I do so much careful research for this blog, I asked my very own baby brother for help remembering what we used to fight about.

He claims it was my being "bitchy" all the time (obviously untrue) and that one time I stabbed him in the butt with scissors... I have no recollection of this event, so I'm sure it didn't happen.  The way I remember it is that he was super annoying and I was the innocent victim in the situation (obviously true).  Plus, he hit me in the head with a glass jar one time.

You would think that with my vast experience in sibling rivalry combined with the knowledge I gleaned from the front of Parenting Magazine, I would know exactly what to do with my own kids when they fight... But really, I am totally baffled.  Baffled and more annoyed than can be accurately described in actual words (though I do feel that I could accurately describe it using a series of keening wails if given enough time).

It is driving me CRAZY. Or, more accurately, crazier.

The thing about my kids is, they are not normal.  Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, they're my reason for living, and they're just the coolest little people in creation, yadda yadda.  But normal?  Absolutely not.  These kids exchange blows on the regular like decent people, but their preferred method of sparring is much, much worse.  In fact, I almost prefer actual blows to what they usually do, which is verbally drag me behind the runaway train that is their arguments.  It's a form of mental torture that again, I would have to use an invented language of keening wails to describe.

So, I know it still seems fairly normal, the arguing and whatnot... But again, these children are weird.  Or maybe not, I just have to know for sure.  So I will pose this question to you, my dear and beloved readers.

Do other people's kids get in sing-fights???

What is a sing-fight, you might ask...? Well, it is a fight in which one child sings something quite rude.  Then the other sings something rude back, until you are listening to a sort of discordant opera of childlike insults.  I will give you an example of the latest in a long series of these particular types of brawls:
 "I-hi-hi-hi am theee be-hes-t!!!"
"Oooooh, no-hooo yo no-hot!!!"
"Daisy is me-hean!!!"
"No-ho she's no-hot!!!"
"Yeah-aaaa!"
"No."
"Yeeeeees!!!"
"No."
"Mooooooom!!!"
"Mooooooooom!!!"
(altogether now)
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!"

Oh sure, it sounds pretty amazing.  It sounds hilarious, even.  But I assure you, no song is funny when it involves crying and name calling.  Well, I suppose it would be funny if I weren't the "Moooooooom" involved in the situation.  I  mean, you tell me how to resolve a fight that is being sung to the tune of "Barber of Seville."  Do I just jump in and start singing, "K-i-i-idssssss, if you don't stooooop fighting nooooow, you'll have to gooooo cleaaaaannnnnn!!!" ? Should they even be in trouble for singing mean stuff to each other?

See what they're doing? It's diabolical!!! Singing is so very innocent in and of itself, but they've added the fighting into it, so when I tell them to knock it off they both turn on me together and say, "But we weren't fighting, we were just singing."

The Weaver household:  Home of the Fight Opera.  Performances at 7:00 & 9:00 nightly, with matinees added throughout the day as needed.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful week, and may the scissors of this world never make contact with your figurative behinds.