The Rules

Do you ever make up rules for your husband that he has no idea about? Rules that he must follow or face the ultimate penalty (which of course, is your annoyance)?

I had a sudden realization this morning that I have an entire list in my head of these rules, and my dear husband is totally clueless. The following is a short synopsis. I find it to be super logical and extremely reasonable, and I'm sure you'll agree.

1. If you're watching something painfully boring on tv and I come sit down with you, change the channel. Nobody wants to watch the History Channel's reenactment of the Gettysburg blabbity bloo. NOBODY!!! Except you I guess.

2. If I make the coffee, I get to drink most of it... Also, if you make coffee will you pretty please let me drink most of it?

3. Do not just look at me when I make a hilarious joke. You laugh your ass off, buddy!!! I am giving you gold here!!!

4. Never, EVER, suggest that my witty comments are not a welcome addition to a movie we are watching... Or that it might be annoying... Again, it's all gold, baby!

5. If I have purchased a special snack for myself, don't touch it. I don't care if that thing has been sitting in the cupboard for three years. The second you eat it, I am going to know about it and I am going to be super pissed.

6. On the weekends, you are in charge of the children in the morning so I can sleep... Seriously, those kids better not come anywhere near me until 9:00 am... I am up at 4:55 every morning to go to the gym, then I come home and get them ready for school. Weekends are Mama's sleepy time!!!

7. You are in charge of every single mildly icky job in this house. Every. One.!!! I don't want to see a giant slimy hairball from the shower drain (and how dare you suggest that it's my hair so I should have to clean it up)... I don't want to have anything to do with the vomit of the puppy I insisted on getting... Listen, I know I promised I would pick up her crap from the backyard and you would never ever have to worry about her when I weaseled my way into getting her, but now that she's here I feel like I may have overstated my involvement in the icky jobs associated with a puppy... So... If you could handle that I would really appreciate it.

8. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, put your hand betwixt the rolls of chub on my stomach (yes, my body is that terrible). I realize you are trying to be affectionate, but really?!? There?!? Can't you just pat me on the head or something???

9. Don't continue reading the newspaper when I am launching into one of my tirades about whatever it is there is to tirade about... Whatever I'm complaining about is of the utmost importance and is never over dramatized, so it should be taken very seriously... Definitely not as if it's so boring you can listen to it and read the paper at the same time.

10. When you say something super sweet to me and I can't help but say something that I find to be amusing in response rather than the swoon you were hoping for, don't get your feelings hurt... Babe, I love you! You complete me (see, I can be romantic too!)! It's just that when you're a comedian (in your own mind) such as myself, ya just can't turn it off.

Now I know these "rules" may seem arbitrary... Possibly ridiculous... And maybe someday I should tell my husband about them... But don't feel too sorry for him. The most horrible punishment he ever gets is pursed lips or an eye roll. Plus he has my undying love and affection, so that has to count for something.